And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
