my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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