got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Randomize