There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize