So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
