I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
