I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
How does it feel to date your dad?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Randomize
