who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
