Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
