I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
