Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize