Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
