Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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