she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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