Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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