I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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