Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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