We got so high we made milksteak
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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