i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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