apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
