No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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