im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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