One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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