where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
