At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
