So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
