My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
