You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
