Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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