6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
i need some magic done to my vagina
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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