She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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