I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
