Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
