so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize