A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
a search helicopter?!
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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