My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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