who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
