Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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