considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
