Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
But we have bathrooms and they dont
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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