Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
