Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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