I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
