If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
