She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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