Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
