Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
