you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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