Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
