just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
