You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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