She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
