I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
