I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Randomize
