I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
