When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
