I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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