I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
there's paper in my vomit.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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